Funny thing about grief, it never really goes away. It will recede and the background noise of daily living will make it imperceptible most of the time, and you do learn to laugh, to be happy, and to feel the joy of life again. But then something happens, and grief comes storming back to remind you it is still there.

My wife and I lost a baby early in our marriage. It goes without saying it was devastating, but as time went by grief did fade into the background. And then I meet a young woman with long dark hair and brown eyes with the name Emily, and I wonder if my Emily would look like that had she lived. Or I hear of another couple losing a child, and grief is there again.

Grief can be a terrible thing but what is worse are the platitudes you hear when you’re in the depths of grief. You know that people just want to help and to comfort you, and so you take what they say and nod. However, every time you hear some platitude such as “God has a plan,” or “there is another angel in heaven,” you want to take them by the shoulders, shake them, and scream for them to shut up.

I remember returning to work a few weeks after Emily had died from coming way too early, and there was an older woman that had been out when all of this happened. She had not heard the news and mentioned how nice it would be when the baby came. I had to tell her we had lost the baby. She immediately began to tell me how sorry she was and begged forgiveness for so heartlessly bringing it up. I told her it was alright, but in all honesty, I found her sincere apology for her gaffe far more comforting than all the platitudes I had received before.

In spite of its pain, grief does have its value. I recall mentoring an Air Force Academy cadet. During his time at the Academy, he met the woman of his dreams and was looking forward to graduating and then getting married. In March before his graduation, his fiancé canceled the wedding. The first time I saw him after this I said to him, “I know you’re in pain, and there is nothing I can say to make it better. Only time will do that.” He nodded in agreement and understanding.

My own grief had taught me that when you’ve suffered loss you don’t want to hear “it’s for best,” or “it will all work out.” All you want is the acknowledgement that it sucks, but you have to go on.

#Grief